He’s 13 today. The boy who made me a mom.
And he’s not here to celebrate.
Most of the time now I can hold LJ in my mind and heart and feel nothing but gratitude. He’s with me every moment of every day; just as much a part of me as any of my living children. His life still colors mine in a way I like to believe makes a difference for good in the world.
I have made peace with the reality that we live apart in this lifetime but it will never feel fair to me that he’s not here on his birthday.
God is good, all the time, AND grief is so sucky and bewildering too.
So until I get to wrap my arms around him in heaven, our birthday plans here will have to do. It’s why I invest so much work on the pursuit of being present and whole for the people right here in my fold, which today looks like cheering at a ball tournament for my boy who wants to “hit one for LJ.” There is so much love in this home and it will hold us tight until we all meet Jesus together, with all our bumps, bruises, and broken hearts in hand.
With cupcakes, infinity love in my heart, and a scream into the sky,
HP, J 
PS: I wrote a book about LJ’s beautiful life and how to be a person in the world again after loss. You can find it exclusively on my website www.heartfullypresent.com or shop directly at www.getjoy.shop.